Throughout my life, particularly as a teenager, I had my share of people who disliked me based on how I was perceived. I actually had a few rumors that went around about me in (and right out of) high school- all completely false. Many people considered me either “stuck up” or “weird”. I was certainly not either of those things. In fact, it was incredibly low self-esteem and being very uncomfortable in my own skin that made me afraid to interact with people which in turn caused the illusion that I was stuck-up and/or weird. I was living in my head, avoided interactions due to fear of judgement and then I went gravitated towards unconscious/egoic pursuits to try to fill my inner voids such as relationships with disrespectful boys, buying things, taking substances, etc. I was pretty much like most other people- which made me anything but weird. In fact, I was pretty “normal”- just massively introverted with slightly-more-than-usual rebellion.
Being considered weird was such an insult. It made me sad. It made me angry. I WAS NOT WEIRD! Ok, maybe a little, but my ego hated being called that. I was quiet around those I didn’t know, and a bit of a goofball around people I did know and felt comfortable around. Even to the people I was comfortable around, I still did not want to be considered “weird”. I was terrified to be myself and shed my light. Being judged was my biggest fear, but what I didn’t realize that it was absolutely inevitable- no matter what I did or didn’t do, and that the biggest and worst judgements were coming from MYSELF. My own worst critic.
Now that I am separating my true self from the conditions of my mind and the “norms” of society that just seem absurd to me now (TV, media, brand names, pursuit of wealth, working non-stop, technology in your face 24/7) NOW I am weird. I am totally weird. In fact, I’ve always been weird and the “weird” persona that everyone saw was actually MASKING my true weirdness. You can call me weird. In fact, please do. This is what I want to be. The societal “norm” never was and never will be for me.
“It’s weird not to be weird.” -John Lennon