After my float experience, there has been a major change in me. I literally became a vegetarian (and working on being totally vegan) that day. I haven’t snapped, I haven’t felt a major inner “growl”, as I like to think of it. The inner resistance to the things around me that I can’t change but try to, or that I react negatively to. It’s significantly subsided. The biggest thing, is that this has all happened in my window of what is usually the WORST symptoms of my PMDD (or PMS on steroids). Usually I can not refrain from reacting.
My husband decided to quit energy drinks and he has snipped at me a few times, and I have yet to really react. This is HIGHLY unusual for me in any state, but it’s usually impossible during my peak PMDD days. Yesterday I decided that I wanted to put our gazebo tent up in the yard to make a little sanctuary. We currently have a creek in our yard and it made sense to utilize the wonderful sights and sounds as long as we are here in this house to be able to enjoy it. (we plan to move at some point) The thing about my husband is, he does not get angry often, but he hates putting stuff together. He gets very annoyed during the process almost every time. The top part was already put together and he started to put the posts on and I said “you aren’t going to put the tent part on first?” I mean, it looked like it would be the easiest way to do that instead of trying to put it on as it was above our heads. He said no. So when it came time for the tent part, he looked at it and decided to try and throw it over the top. He went and grabbed a lawn chair to stand on. (yup, that’s my husband) He then stands on the chair and starts to try and spread it over the top and realized it was upside down. He tries to move it around in order to flip the tent over. I made a comment, basically about the difficulty of it all, and he said “you can do it” I said I would if we were one step before this so I could put the tent on first. Ok so that might have been inflammatory, but I was trying to be light-hearted and humorous about it, but he wasn’t picking up on that I guess. He probably viewed it as a passive aggressive statement since he was in an angry state. I asked if he was snippy because of his quitting energy drinks. (and it WAS that coupled with his usual annoyance towards putting things together) He said it was because he had an annoying wife. This is where I knew that I had really changed. I didn’t react. I didn’t snap back. The pain body/ego Jen didn’t come out- at all. I was surprised at myself.
At one point he moved the chair and pinched his finger in it. I asked if he was OK and he gathered himself and went back to it. I was kind of just standing back and giggling at the ridiculousness of it all. Eventually he got it up and composed himself and his mood. Normally even if I could keep my cool in a situation like that, I would eventually make comments about it, or it would stir inside me until I let him know how stupid he was. I didn’t do it. I could step back from the situation and realize that he was in an agitated state and it had nothing to do with me. This was a great test, and I think I did pretty good considering where I was just a week ago. I think I have reached the next step in a higher consciousness.